I am sometimes told stories about home schooled children who reportedly lack "social skills".
My initial reaction is that I can't help but wonder if what they are actually trying to say is that MY children lack appropriate social skills, since they know that I home school my children. This is insulting and rude. If you have a true concern about my child, don't tell me your opinion of some other kid that you only see once or twice a week for an hour. What that parent chooses to do with his/her child is not my business and it's not yours either. If you're just making conversation and it's not about my children, you should pick appropriate conversation for your audience. If you're a teacher, I'm not going to come tell you all about what I think is wrong with the system you work in. If you're a doctor, I'm not going to tell you what I don't respect about doctors. If you choose to work outside your home, I'm not going to tell you the negative effects I think that choice is having on your kids*. It's just bad manners. I'll try to keep my mouth shut and try to avoid the topics I know we don't see eye to eye on. Besides, I don't know everything about other people's situations, even though sometimes I think I do, so I should try to err on the side of NOT judging. I'm not perfect at this either, but especially when it's someone's major life choice, we just shouldn't bring it up in light conversation. Vent session over.
Second, I wonder what behaviors they see in my children that they think sending them to public schools is going to fix. I want to point out the myriad students in public schools who are being broken along the way.
Is the perceived benefit really worth the actual cost? I was educated at public schools. So was my husband. Our kids were in the public school system for many years. We have seen both sides and don't believe that public education was helping our children to become the best people they can be.
Third (and most importantly), I think they're ignorant. I don't mean that in an insulting way, but rather in the true sense of the word: they just don't know. People who have spent a good deal of time around home educated children are impressed rather than critical of them. I'll give you just one example right now: in our ward, there are multiple home schooling families and one that home educated up until a year ago. I work in the Young Women program with youth, ages 12-18. The home educated children ARE different. In our group, they're AMAZING - as in HANDS DOWN, the easiest to work with, the most emotionally stable, the most confident, the most flexible, the best at relating to adults as well as other youth. Oh, and also highly intelligent. Ask any of the leaders and I am certain they will concur. Does this mean we don't have publicly-educated girls with these attributes? NO! There are a few by the time they are 17 and 18 who have figured things out.
Another thing to consider is that if the child is different, it may not be BECAUSE they are home schooled. They may just BE different. And assuming that they would be "normal" if they were educated en mass is ridiculous.
In the past I have been guilty of not considering the long-term outcome. I thought that because what I was seeing right then didn't fit my preconceived idea of what I thought I should be seeing, that kids were being slighted. I now know a LOT of home schooling families and the long-term results are phenomenal. That in mind, who the heck cares if they are not at exactly the same level as their same-age peers along the way? They more than make up for it in the long-run. There is a certain young man I know who I didn't think would ever fit in with "normal" kids. I judged his parents and thought they were doing him a disservice by educating him at home. I have to admit I was wrong now. In the past two years especially, he has developed into a most amazing youth. And through the years he hasn't been ostracized by his peers because the home educated children he spends his time with respect differences in personality, don't expect everyone to be the same, and have allowed him to become who HE is, rather than trying to convince him he should be more like them.
I have never met a home schooling parent who did not REALLY care about what was best for their children and who wasn't sincerely doing what he/she feels is BEST for their child.
Home schooling families tend to function with amazing unity. Why is this? I can't be sure, but I think it's because they understand that the family is the core unit of society. The other activities they are involved in are extracurricular - they can't easily block out the family as a necessary evil because so much time is spent with the family, so they have to make it work. Instead of a few hours together in the evenings (and even that long is becoming quite unusual in most families I know), they spend many hours together every day. Why do people criticize this? Don't we WANT family to be the most important thing, both as they are growing up and when they have their own families? Their families become their best friends at a young age, rather than once they reach adulthood. Friends come and go, so why do we encourage them to develop those friendships as if they are the
most important relationships?
I sent my daughter to junior high last year because she didn't want to be home schooled. She was there all of two months before she was
begging us to get her out of there. We made her stay until the semester break. In the few short months she attended junior high, we noticed a huge decline in her self-confidence, her enthusiasm for life, her desire to learn, and she became depressed. Of course, this is not the experience of every publicly-educated child, but I would have been a neglectful parent to have forced her to remain in an environment that was having that effect on her. So even if she develops completely backwards social skills (which, of course, is absurd), it will be worth getting her out of that toxic environment.
The following article is from a newsletter put out by TJED.org (TJED=Thomas Jefferson Education). You can see the original source by clicking
here. I think it does a good job of helping to sort out the firmly-held myths regarding socialization.
What are We Socializing Them For?
By Stephen Palmer
As
a homeschooling family, my wife and I occasionally get the predictable,
worn-out question, “But what about their social life?”
First of
all, the question is utterly bizarre to me, given how much social
interaction our kids get between several homeschool groups with tons of
activities and outings, and myriad other activities, such as art
classes, dance classes, cooking classes, Judo, flag football, etc., not
to mention how much they play with neighborhood kids.
The idea that homeschoolers don’t get healthy social interaction is such a backwards, 20-years-ago perception.
Secondly, it makes me laugh when I think back to
my public school experience.
Here’s what public school taught me about socialization:
- It’s
okay — encouraged, even — to make fun of anyone “different” than you
and your core group of friends, particularly the weak, weird, mentally
and physically disabled, and poor.
- Within an
“acceptable” range, everyone should dress, act, and think like everyone
else, and those in any way and to the slightest degree outside of the
norm should expect to be mocked mercilessly.
- Appearances are everything.
- You
should only interact with those in your grade. Those in higher grades
are cooler than you (and are therefore entitled to bully you and
everyone else younger than them), and those in lower grades are less
than you.
- You should compare yourself to and militantly compete with others.
- What your peers think of you is far more important than what you think of yourself, or what God thinks of you. Sacrifice everything for popularity.
- Don’t
question authority; teachers and other authority figures know best.
Stay in line. There’s an established, “right” way for everything — don’t
deviate.
“The idea of learning acceptable
social skills in a school is as absurd to me as learning nutrition from a
grocery store.” -Lisa Russell
Based on most accounts I’ve heard, this is quite typical public school “socialization,” which is interesting in and of itself.
But here’s where it gets really interesting: Nowhere outside of high school have any of these been my experience, at least not nearly to the degree felt in high school.
Sure,
I’ve experienced the very typical (and relatively benign) perceptions
and comments regarding our non-traditional views on things like
education, homebirthing, politics, etc.
But nothing even
close to the overt and extremely aggressive ostracization, mocking, competitiveness, and bullying I witnessed in high school.
Rather
than attending high school my junior and senior years, I attended a
community college through a program called Running Start.
Not a
single person in college ever cared about what clothes I wore, who I
hung out with, what my interests were, how old I was, etc.
It was a completely different world than high school.
In
fact, in college diversity was appreciated and encouraged much more
than conformity. Everyone I interacted with was respectful and
accepting.
It was encouraged to question commonly-accepted truths, habits, societal arrangements, etc.
Since
leaving high school, I’ve never had a single friend who cared one whit
about my fashion sense (or lack thereof, as the case may be).
I’ve yet to interact with an adult who thinks it’s really cool to make fun of those less privileged than them.
I’m
still waiting for an adult to bully me because they’re a year older
than me, or an adult to fear me because they’re younger than me.
If
socialization outside of public school is nothing like, or is at least
substantially different from socialization in public school, then what
in the name of John Dewey are we socializing our kids for?
For
those who disagree with my experience with and perception of public
school socialization, who really value socialization and worry that your
kids won’t get it outside of public school, I have a sincere question
for you:
What do you want your kids to get from public school socialization (or socialization in general)?
I imagine your responses would include:
- You want them to be confident, emotionally mature, well-adapted, respectful, and considerate.
- You
want them to be able to interact with, relate to, and positively
influence anyone, regardless of age, race, culture, or any differences
of opinions or perceptions.
- You want them to have the courage to stand up for what’s right, even and especially when it’s not popular.
- You want them to be a leader, not a follower.
- You want them to learn to strive for excellence, but without feeling the need to “beat” or denigrate others in the process.
- You
want them to develop the maturity to respect authority for the right
reasons without accepting it unquestioningly, and, as needed, to learn
to question and change things wisely and effectively.
Right?
Well, we share those desires.
I’m
not trying to convince anyone that homeschooling is better than public
schooling — as a well-adjusted, socialized adult who believes in
freedom, tolerance, and diversity, I wholeheartedly respect and embrace
you, no matter your opinions on the subject.
But I am inviting
those who advocate public school for the sake of socialization to
question what your children are actually getting in the way of
socialization.
As Manfred Zysk wrote in his thought-provoking article
“Homeschooling and the Myth of Socialization,”
“A
family member asked my wife, ‘Aren’t you concerned about his (our
son’s) socialization with other kids?’. My wife gave this response: ‘Go
to your local middle school, junior high, or high school, walk down the
hallways, and tell me which behavior you see that you think our son
should emulate.’”
And for those concerned that our
homeschooled children aren’t getting enough or appropriate
socialization, I’m inviting you to consider that there are other ways to
achieve healthy socialization, and we’re not raising our kids to be
cloistered, introverted misfits.
We’re not opting them out of society.
We’re
just opting them out of the strange public school bubble that, in our
experience, doesn’t even represent normal, healthy society.
In other words, we’re socializing them for what they’ll actually experience beyond high school.
Stephen Palmer is a TJEd homeschooler and the co-founder of Life Manifestos.
*NOTE: If you choose to read my blog, it's not the same as my bringing up a conversation with you. If what I write bothers you, don't read it.
